Trying

I about had a heart attack when my "trying" calendar went away on Google this afternoon.  It's how I've recorded my cycle since I got off the pill and consider it valuable information.  While waiting for Google to answer my incident ticket, or whatever it is, I made the mistake of reading some discussion boards and let myself get all anxious again about what we may or may not find at my appointment in about a week.

My calendar finally came back up and as I perused the trying section, I realized that that's what we're still doing.  We're trying to have a baby until that fetus is viable and can live outside the womb.  Until then, whatever happens is in God's hands and we're trying.  I may have gotten a positive pregnancy test, but I even hesitate to say or think that I'm really pregnant until I see an embryo with a beating heart.  And even then, we'll still be trying.  And praying, and hoping.

I just happened to conceive really early within the time frame we had set in our minds for "trying" to get pregnant.  It doesn't mean we're finished.  But it would be an amazing blessing if we were : )

Vivid Dreams

For a while, now, I have had some dreams that I actually remembered, which doesn't happen a lot while I'm in school and stressed and tired.  Last night, was a bit over the edge.  Let's just describe the dream(s) as a stream-of-consciousness, Quentin Tarantino-style movie that took place at dental school, which wasn't really school, but I thought that's where I was, with a whole team of quirky characters out to get me.  The swords didn't come out, but when I woke up, all I could think of was Kill Bill.  And the pregnancy and baby thread throughout the movies didn't get past me, either.  To my surprise, TBS is showing Vol. 1 and 2 today, so I'm sitting on the couch and quilting and blogging and being lazy, glad that it's a little "lighter" version since it's on TV.  Ha! There's no "light" version of Kill Bill...who am I kidding?

7 Weeks-ish? Who Knows?

I couldn't eat much dinner tonight.  This nausea thing (it is no respecter of any time of day) hit again today when I got home from school and now I can't even read food blogs without wanting to urp.  Which has never happened, but I almost wish it would.  My mom would always say when we were sick as little kids to "just throw up, you'll feel much better."  Not happening here.  Yesterday it was, in fact, morning sickness which hit, really on the way to school (Erik was driving) but settled in real nice as I finished up my breakfast and a 2 hour class started.  Yep.  It always seems worse when I am unoccupied, but that's hard to avoid when you're stuck in class or at the end of a long day when I'm exhausted on the couch.

A little less than two weeks until the Dr.........

More Symptoms

I can't BELIEVE I forgot the whole emotional roller coaster thing.  That's probably the biggest one for me.  I've been known to cry at a commercial or two, but this is a little out of control.

I've been feeling pretty puky if I'm not moving around and staying busy.  Which is hard to do when you just want to snuggle under a blanket and watch a movie on your days off because you're so freaking exhausted.

And for a little TMI, the gas, constipation, and even hemorrhoids have showed up.  Apparently, it's not too early for the ring of fire.

Now, these symptoms come and go, and when they go, I get paranoid.  Thank you, Internet.

The School Game

It's really hard to drink water during the day.  I need to figure out something better, like every time I have to get up to get something from the dispensary I have to drink a little cup of water.  Getting to eat lunch has always been a privilege upon entering clinic, so this is another problem.  Yesterday it was a bag of pretzels to tide me over until I was done with my patient extraordinarily early at 2:00 and ate at 3:45.  Today, I got lunch.  All 20 minutes of it.  I'm just going to have to be snotty and demand at least 5 minutes for sustenance, even if I'm running late.

Also, apparently a "Dr.'s appointment" automatically means you're pregnant.

I'm supposedly 6 weeks today.  The most recent paranoia is that of blighted ovum.  I may not be bleeding and cramping, but by golly, there's something wrong, right?  I hate this game.  I really think I'd rather know there's a fetal pole in there even if it's early than wait until I'm 2 months + along and find out there's nothing.  Bleh.  All I can do is pray for a healthy, existent embryo and some sanity to go along with it.  Again, positive pregnancy tests mean nothing.

I felt a little sickish this morning.  I normally don't feel anything in the morning so something is new.  I still don't feel very pregnant.   I think there's a 100% chance that third PG test in the 3 pack I got will be used before I make it to my Dr.'s appointment.   In 2 weeks and 6 days.

Signs and Symptoms

Ok, maybe only symptoms so far, except for the 2 sticks I peed on.  (I just had to make sure ; )

Sore boobs - check.  More so in the morning or late at night.  I guess a bra does wonders.

Frequent urination - check.

Nausea - early on after meals, I'd have to take a deep breath and let it out occasionally to get over a feeling in my stomach.  Tonight, I tasted a little urp coming up, but now I'm just enjoying this feeling on the couch.  Or was it the enchiladas?

Cramping - at least the kind I think I felt the other night seems totally normal for this stage and represents uterine growth.  Apparently.

(The lack of doctor intervention at this point - which I hear is totally normal - has forced me to seek out internet answers for the things that freak  me out.  Someone has to tell me these things!)

Lack of menstrual period - still enjoying that one

Today was my first day back at school after Christmas break.  I wanted to start wearing a mask as soon as I walked in the door.  I mean that place is teaming with all sorts of aerosols and chemicals that I shouldn't be exposed to anyway, much less the growing embryo inside me that's trying to make organs right now.  After speculating about when a girl in my class was going to return to school after having her baby before Christmas, a friend directed a big fat "when are you going to have a baby" at me to which I gave a big "I don't know" kind of look to which she responded "You're already pregnant, aren't you" to which I gave a "Seriously?" kind of look.  This quiet game is tough.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

As far as trying to conceive and pregnancy sites go, you get it all.  For the most part, the general information in articles has been only moderately helpful, but very straightforward and practical.  I've checked out several along the way so far (several = comparing information for some sort of validation).  Then you get to the forums where the information is general opinion and emotions are already running wild because of all the hormones.  A lot of the information that I consider helpful is from women who've been there before...describing symptoms, their experiences, what their doctor visits are like, this worked for me, etc.  No medical breakthroughs or anything...just what you might hear from a friend...if you were telling your friends.  The anonymity is great - you can learn, and share and still hide.  Don't get me wrong, there is a bad side to the open, share practically anything format of these forums.  There are some crazy people out there with wild ideas, but for the most part, people are there to be helpful and encouraging as we're all in it together, so to speak. There's the ridiculousness of "sticky baby dust" that seems to be passed around.  There are emoticons galore and flashing text in rainbow colors.

The ugly comes in when you're exposed to all the miscarriage stories, all the bad news from doctors, all the "we've been TTC for 3 years" talk.  Even my favorite "scientific" site with all the embryo specimens is ugly - the specimens are specimens for a reason, right?  If you get to Carnegie stage 17 or so, a little notice pops up that most of the embryos pictured are "abnormal" and it is noted in the title when you click on it.  Yikes.

You really do dig yourself in deep when you get into this game.  It seems "healthier" to stay away from this talk and stay positive and hopeful of good things, trusting that God is knitting together this baby just the way He wants it, but then, do I need to prepare myself?  Not dwell on, but at least acknowledge  possible outcomes and allow my soul to be "well" with those ideas?  Just take it as it comes?  Take the rose colored glasses approach?  Start asking for sticky baby dust?  Just kidding.

Not Much to Report

I'm 5 weeks 3 days.  23 days post ovulation.  My boobs hurt in the morning, I'm not really feeling sick but if I ever feel anything it's at night.  I felt worse before I knew I was pregnant.  I pee constantly.  I have a great appetite for the most part.  I wasn't too excited about my pad thai the other night and I think that says something.  It makes me edgy that I don't feel pregnant, but I'm trying to get past that.  I should appreciate it, right?

I didn't drink my champagne at my "congratulations for passing boards" party last night and Erik tried to drink mine for me so it wouldn't be so obvious.  We got home and he asked me if I'd told my mom.  Seriously?  I assured him I hadn't told anyone, but that the anti-champagne stunt I just pulled was probably a glaring signal.  It makes me nervous to tell anyone until like 30 weeks!  I am on high alert for a miscarriage and going bonkers.  But staying positive.  There's a plan for all of this.  The days go by very slowly and it will probably be a blessing in disguise to go back to school and have bigger fish to fry.

Edited to add:  I would like to note for future reference that I do have a perma-zit on my chin that is quite lovely.  My emotions are a little more on edge than usual.  Then again, who doesn't cry while watching "Say Yes to the Dress"?

What do you do?

It's so early.  I mean my doctor won't even see patients until they're 8-10 weeks.  I'm turning 5 weeks tomorrow, so there's a month to go before I even know if everything's ok so far.  So what in the world do you do with yourself to stay sane?  Especially right now when I don't have the distraction of school, and I'm stuck at home for a few days with a car in the shop.  A girl can go mad just checking for any signs of bleeding every time she goes to the bathroom!

As cautious as Erik wants us to be with our emotions right now, you have to do your due dilligence and educate yourself.  So I've spent some time online rehashing Embryology/Human Growth and Development since I haven't really studied it since my 1st year of dental school.  A few good sites I found today include this Multidimensional Human Embryo Project.  Although this doesn't start until Carnegie Stage 13, and I'm only around 9/10 right now, it'll be a great reference to the inner workings down the road - a great visual.  You can click on each embryo/stage represented in the big picture and see 3D breakdowns, MRI slices, and animations.  It's pretty darn cool.

I really like the way The Visible Embryo has good explanations of the physical changes the embryo goes through during each Carnegie Stage.  If you click on the tiny little picture of the embryo, you can see the stage, larger picture and description of development.  Then you can hit the Next button to see how things will change in the next stage.  It's pretty cool, good information if you're someone with a biology/medical background, but not over your head if you aren't.

The Atlas of Human Embryology has a great timeline and tables referring to the different stages of the embryo.  Lots of good, concise information.  I especially like the "Special Embryology" section in the left sidebar as you can check out specifically what's going on the the head and neck...a dentist's specialty : )

Pretty tired today.  I took a nap with my cat Reagan this afternoon.  The sickness is really minimal along with the boob pain.  It can make me nervous at times that I don't feel pregnant.  I may end up taking a few more tests between now and Feb. 1st just to ease my mind!  Although I do have to pee every 30 minutes which is very unlike me.  I feel like I have diabetes with all the polydypsia and polyuria.  I'm drinking water like it's going out of style.

I'm No Job

I know it's a bit early to start drawing conclusions about what God might be doing here or teaching me with all this, but I can say this: I don't deserve it.

I have had so little faith, so little patience.  I have tried so hard to lean on Him when my emotions got the better of me along this road.  My most desperate prayer was, "Lord, please take this desire to have children away from me until the time is right."  I just couldn't handle that biological clock ticking in my ear. It actually worked for the most part.  I'd have to throw it back up to Him every now and then when my flesh got the best of me, but that was just me not keeping my end of the bargain.

Dealing with jealousy has been an entirely different issue.  The main way I dealt with this was by "hiding" anyone who got pregnant on Facebook.  I just couldn't deal with the ultrasound profile pictures and joyous announcements...especially from students.  That was the worst.  There were a few exceptions including those that I knew had struggled with fertility.  Aside from rejoicing with them, it was evidence that God does indeed work miracles and I needed to see that.  I don't know why I just knew I'd have to walk down that road.  I know I'm not there yet, but still, just getting that plus sign on a stick is a dream for some and it makes me really grateful.  Really grateful.

More recently I was convicted by the passage that says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn."  I think Ephesians.  I certainly wasn't doing that.  It became my mantra when I faced a difficult social encounter involving the sensitive topic.

So it's been a struggle.  A struggle with an uncertain end.  There's obviously still a lot of uncertainty, but I really do feel like the struggle so far has been less than victorious.  Pretty shameful.  5 years of it.  Sunday's sermon was about the need to "hate your family" if you are to follow Christ in Luke 14.  Hate really meaning "love less than God."  I think I was pretty guilty of not hating my family before the kids ever even existed.  I can say I tried, and asked for help, but I did not run the race to win.  Hence, the feeling like I don't deserve it.  I mean, we don't deserve anything we get from God, but there's always this game we humans seem to play because it's the way our flesh works.  Earning salvation, working for forgiveness.  Not getting His blessings because we screwed up.  This is all just a reminder of how His game works.  And how amazing and gracious and incredibly loving He is to us because He saves us and forgives us and blesses us out of love.  To make His name great.  Because of this, He deserves everything we have and are and will be.  And we just hog it all and waste it all when He can do so much more with it than we can.

1st doctor appointment: Feb 1st.  I'll be 9 weeks, God willing.

That'll Do It

So, here's the story.  After waiting almost 8 years to have children (completely against my will, but necessary due to the evils of dental school), Erik and I decided it was time to start "trying".  Quite frankly, I'd had enough of this waiting game and wasn't getting any younger, and after a period of relative depression, he was willing to start a little bit earlier than planned. 

So in September, I geared up.  I joined Weight Watchers to try to lose the 18 pounds I'd gained in dental school.  It's nice to be a healthy weight before this journey and I'd read about the benefits of losing even up to 10% of your body weight (if you were overweight = me) to help ovulation.  By Decemeber I lost 13 pounds.  I had my pre-conception visit with my doc and did a bit of reading to get ready for getting off hormones.

Come October, it was time to ditch the hormones but still use "alternative contraception".  I started taking pre-natal vitamins and using the ovulation prediction tests as my doctor suggested.  "Let's just make sure you're ovulating," he said.  Ok.  The first month was a little nerve wracking.  I didn't know if I was doing it right and the lines were seriously hard to judge.  I mean, the "same" shade of pink or "slightly darker" is pretty subjective.  The first month I got a "maybe positive".  Not too encouraging.  Same thing second month.  Grrr.  And the temping thing was NOT going to to happen.  It seriously interferes with snoozing.  There had to be a better way.  I did a little reading and decided to change my attack.

In comes the digital ovulation predictor tests.  Golden.  You get an empty circle if there's no surge and a happy face if there is.  No shades, no faint lines, this sounds great.  After a week of nothing, I decided to just keep testing as this kit was meant for use throughout the entire month anyway.  And we were really trying this month.  No more "alternative birth control". This also put me into a more laid back time at school where I got to sleep in a bit.  So one morning, I woke up after 10am and just decided that I'd test a little earlier than normal.  And I had my positive!  A nice happy face.  

So on we went, not really thinking much of whether this would work or not, because it's going to take months to get pregnant.  That's just how it is.  I took my finals, studied for my boards, we kept "trying", regardless of that test. Then I got sick a few days before boards.  Do I take cold meds?  Is Benadryl ok?  Do I just suffer?  Well, I certainly had to sleep, so I settled on Nyquil the first night which was ok, but not the best for a long night's sleep.  Next day, Claritin D - the only thing that ever works for me.  I took Benadryl the night before boards to make sure I slept.  Then my boards day came.  I took another Claritin D to make it through the day.  

Then, as I walked out the door, I had a pretty intense pain below my belly button.  I was convinced it was another cyst, but had no time for this because I had a 2-day test to take.  In case I was actually pregnant, I settled on Midol and avoided the ibuprofen.  I packed up my drugs and drove to Bedford.

The Midol got me through the test, but the entire way home, there was a cycle of pain, then mild cramping for a long time.  Then some more pain, then mild cramping.  What in the world?  I got home and looked up possibilities.  One of them was implantation pain.  No way.  Could it really be implantation?  The timing was about right.  There definitely was cramping...no bleeding.  Even as I went to bed that night, there it was.  Well it was totally gone the next day, so that was that.  So I thought.

Christmas was just a few days away, but there was a lot to be done.  In the midst of the shopping and cooking, I had an occasional unsettled stomach.  Just a little hint of nausea a little bit after a meal, but mostly the afternoon and evening.  This only piqued my curiosity as to what that pain was, but of course, I couldn't be pregnant.  That would just be ridiculous.

Christmas Day came and the game totally changed.  My brother and his wife announced that they were pregnant.  She took a test two days before and decided to let us know.  I can't begin to tell you what this did to me.  With all the emotions of "will I be able to get pregnant?" flowing through my head for the past 4 years since I decided to hold off and become a dentist, this first month trying was already emotional.  Will I even ovulate?  How long will this take?  Will my period start in 4 days like it's supposed to?  If I wasn't pregnant, I was certainly pre-menstrual, so this was a battle of epic proportions.  Lots of prayers, lots of "Lord, I would love to be pregnant at the same time" The next few days were filled with efforts to stifle the tears or hide the watery eyes.  My mom questioned me while shopping the day before my expected period to make sure I was ok and I LOST it.  I was an emotional basket case.   We decided the roller coaster of natural hormones before my period wasn't helping the matter. The next day I gave a quilt to a dear friend and cried like a baby.  When I said I was a little emotional lately, she asked if I was pregnant.  I told her I'd find out in a few days.  All the time, a little bit of nausea, a little tingle in my boobs.  And I hadn't started yet.  Every time I went to the bathroom, I held my breath and...nothing.

Wednesday came and went.  Nothing.  Thursday came and went. Nothing. Friday was New Year's Eve.  I told Erik that if I didn't start my period by Saturday, I was taking a test.  I made myself wait until it was missed.  I just can't get too excited, right?  It's not supposed to happen this fast.  

 

I didn't even have to wait 2 minutes.

Today I'm 4 weeks, 5 days and I'll call the doctor tomorrow.

If we make it through the danger zone of the 1st trimester, we'll tell our friends and family.

It'll seem like forever.  

Joining the Game

Processes and events in my life are generally chronicled in a blog.  My quilting has a blog, our house building has a blog, my dental school experience has a blog.  Had I known how to blog, my cake decorating would have had a blog.  It's a great way to tell your story and, when appropriate, share the experience with others...even strangers.  It can be a way to keep up with friends and family, to learn new skills, or document an historic occasion in your life.

For me, it can also be a way to vent or sort out emotions.  It's been great through dental school.  And I really have always been a journal keeper.  I have all my diaries from when I was a kid all the way through college and I love looking back to see how I've become who I am and how the Lord has worked in my life.  Then the digital age hit and it was just a natural side-step to start blogging.

This blog, for now, is for me.  I just need a place to process, to grow, to document all my heart's feelings and thoughts.  One day, I may go public, but for now, it's secret.  Why?

I'm pregnant.

See, just typing that into real letters on a real computer screen that can be read for someone to see makes it all the more real.  Because it's real easy to forget that I woke up this morning after being 3 days late, ran to Target, bought a box with three PG tests (along with a bunch of yogurt and some shampoo...because who wants to check out with one glaring box of PG tests?), came home, peed on a stick and told Erik that I was pregnant.

It's just not all that real yet.

And since it's something that could disappear all too quickly, it's a concept that I don't want to hold on to too tightly, anyway.  Whether it does or doesn't, I'd like to talk about it here.  And record the road to children that God has for me and Erik, so that I can look back and see His faithfulness and provision.  Because He is and He will.